Just when I thought I was pulling myself out of a hole, I’ve fallen farther down… I haven’t ran once this week… It’s now Saturday and I missed my long hike because I overslept, I haven’t been hitting the rower every day like I am supposed to and I have 62 days before I toe the line at my first 100. I haven’t felt this down in a long time… I haven’t been this far off track in years. People like to argue with me that missing one day of eating or sleeping in or not running is no big deal. But guess what? That’s exactly how my downward spiral has unfolded… One missed day at a time until I spun absolutely out of control.

Every time I think I am making progress and starting to see the light, something else happens. My mental toughness is busted more than ever. My will to get out of bed and run is gone. I don’t “feel like it” has taken a hold of me and just keeps spinning me around in circles… I look at the countdown and my goals and wonder why I’m putting myself through all of this? What am I doing it for? For the first time in years I’m actually questioning myself and my ability to do this.

“Where your mind flows, your attention goes.” Napoleon Hill

I have had a lot of things going on around me lately and I can’t help but wonder how much these other events are affecting me… I can’t help but think that for the first time in a long time running isn’t a priority for me. Maybe I have been running away from my problems, fears, insecurities, etc… I thought I was running toward my fears and working to become someone special, but it turns out I don’t think that was the case at all. I think running has been filling a gap for me. I think it has been a cover up for something that has been missing in my life. It’s hard to wake up one day and not be able to see what your future looks like. It’s tough. It’s scary.

For the first time in a long time I’ve lost my vision. I’ve had to change, remove, and readjust my focus on some more important tasks. 6 weeks ago I could envision myself crossing the finish line. Now, I can’t. If I don’t change this vision that is exactly what is going to happen…

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