I’ve always been afraid of who I am.

I’ve always been afraid of sounding arrogant and cocky…

I’ve always been scared of pushing people away.

I’ve always thought people are getting tired of my “story”.

So I have held back what I really think… I’ve held back how I truly feel about myself and my accomplishments. I’ve been scared to accept the man in the mirror.

I’m pretty sure I blew an interview with a major trail runner magazine yesterday and after I let my frustrations dwindle, I started to wonder why. Easy answer- I’m scared. I scared of being over the top. I’m scared of being a jerk. And most of all, I’m scared of what I might find when I accept my new self…

Today as I was rereading “Think and Grow Rich” I came upon a passage of great importance. It gave me the courage to share how I really feel.

“This is the first time that I have had the courage to mention this. Heretofore, I have remained quiet on the subject, because I knew, from my own attitude in connection with such matters, that I would be misunderstood if I described my unusual experience. I have been emboldened now to reduce my experience to the printed page because I am now less concerned about what ‘they say’ than I was in the years that have passed.” Napoleon Hill

“The Man in the Mirror”

September 10th, 2016

Gary- You haven’t changed a bit… As I look in the mirror I see the same old face I’ve always seen. I see anger. I see disappointment. I see dissatisfaction with the person looking back at me. No matter how far or how fast I run, I can’t out run the reflection I see…

I would love to be able to celebrate my accomplishments. I’d love to be able to rest. To eat. To sleep. To sit back and enjoy life for a moment bit I can’t. The 1st thing I do in the morning and the last thing I do at night I face myself in the mirror. I go over my wins and losses. I repeat my goals and look to see if the reflection has changed.

As I looked at myself this morning, those eyes have never changed. Behind those green eyes is a lifetime of pain and sorrow, anger and disappointment. I’m no better off now than I was 5 years ago. In fact I’m in the exact same place. I’ve made zero progress toward who and what I want to be. In fact I’m come full circle to the exact spot I was 5 years ago…

When I look at my accountability partner in the mirror, I can’t help but wonder where I made the mistakes. I can’t help but wonder what I could’ve done better. Every time I think I’m going forward I end up falling backward. Is it that hard to change? Or is it that hard to break the habits of the past? Or are we so ingrained with who we are that we always fall back to center whenever we lose focus?

I’m not sure what has happened in the last couple months but I’m over it. I have lost my edge to be positive. I’ve lost my edge on controlling my emotions. I’ve seen the reflection in the mirror smile less and frown more. I know it’s my fault and I’m 100% responsible for my attitude and actions, but I don’t even know why I’ve been so unhappy lately…

I’ve changed so much around me hoping that I could find the center and start correcting my attitude and actions, but I seem to be falling farther away. I keep looking in the mirror for any sign of hope and all I see is a disappointed and a discouraged face looking back at me… I wish I could see myself as others see me. I wish I could go back to that happy go lucky guy I am when I don’t have to face myself. I wish I was the person I truly wanted to be but my past actions, my attitude, and just being me is holding me back from everything I need to become…

They say true happiness is when what you want, say and do all lines up and heads the same direction. I guess that’s simple- I’m missing a key component. As much as I’d love to blame others for not being able to follow my passion, it boils down to personal responsibility. It’s my fault and no one else’s. The decisions I made in the past have put me in this position and I have to unbury myself. I have no one else to blame. There is no one that can save me or change my situation. I have to keep fighting to get what I want and become the person I want to be.

I have to keep fighting the ghost that stares back at me in the mirror. I’ll keep fighting him. I’ll keep running away from him. The reflection of pain, regret, failure and disappointment will always be there to remind me what I’m fighting for. One day I hope to out run him. One day I hope I can look in the mirror and see what everyone else sees. One day I hope that my goals and actions can line up with my vision for the future… Until then, I have a lot of work to do on myself. I hope the daily struggles are worth it. I hope one day soon I can get a hint of progress toward where I want to go. I just need something letting me know that I’m on the right path.

Until then I will keep running away from the man in the mirror. I’ll run faster, harder and longer so he can’t keep up… My biggest fear is that there is no end to this race. There is no course map. There is no finish line.

“The face is the mirror of the mind, and eyes without speaking confess the secrets of the heart.” St. Jerome

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