At least food loves me…
No matter who or what comes in goes from my life, at least food is here to stay.
The nights I can’t sleep, food is waiting for me.
When I wake up in the morning, food is waiting for me.
When I have a great day, food is waiting for me.
When I have a lousy day, food is waiting for me.
There is no problem or celebration that food can’t help my cope with. Whether it’s healthy and filling my physical tank or unhealthy and filling my emotion tank, food will never leave me.
From as early as I can remember, food has been love. Any one who has ever loved me has been a provider of food. No matter what is going on in my life, no matter what stage of life, I have never gone without food for too long… it’s probably to the only constant in my life.
From the time I was little to the time I was 400 pounds to the present where I’m a strong and healthy athlete, I eat. Sometimes I eat because I’m hungry. Sometimes I eat because I’m sad. Sometimes I eat because I’m happy. Sometimes I eat because I’m bored. Sometimes I don’t know why I’m eating… I just seem to wake up in the kitchen wondering how I got there.
I have to be honest, I hate food. Well, I guess not really… I really hate my relationship with food. See with drinking, I could walk away… but with food, I have to eat. There is no way around it. I just have to learn to control my eating in the best way I can. I have to take responsibility for what I buy at the store and what goes in my mouth. But gosh, it sure is difficult most days.
The days I struggle the most are the days I’m all alone… I don’t even mean alone mentally or physically… I mean the days I’m alone spiritually. The days I have a million things on my mind and no way to express my thoughts and feelings. The other days when I have nothing on my mind and can’t seem to occupy or organize my thoughts in a productive manner. The days I know something is missing in my life, but I can’t seem to fulfil the need internally and I have no one to turn to externally. The worst is when I have a positive day and no one to share my excitement with… so I turn to my kitchen because at least food is there to celebrate with me.
I have spent a majority of my 6 year health journey avoiding my relationship with food. I guess for the longest time I didn’t understand my relationship so why would I talk about it? I don’t fit it to a certain eating group so that made it even more difficult to express and even after all this time, I still get negative and derogatory comments about the food I choose to eat or not eat… so why would I open my mouth?? I don’t need another reason to feel shame within myself, I still have plenty of self-loathing left to deal with.
So why do we eat?
Well because we need to eat to survive.
So why does food seem to be the emotion filler so many people use to cope with life?
I don’t know, I really don’t know the answer to the question. Believe me, I wish I did… there are millions of people stuffing their face with food, running away from reality, and numbing their pain with drugs and alcohol that would love to know the answer to this burning question… But, there is something I do know.
Food is comfort.
Food is safety.
Food is survival.
Food is love.
Most importantly, food will never leave me…
On the days I need comfort, security, and love… I can always go to the kitchen and overfill my emotional heart until my emotional shame is replaced with the physical pain and discomfort I have believed I deserved for so long… at least I am taking the action to cause the shame instead of allowing something external to hold the power and control over my… because no matter how empty I am inside, at least for a short period of time, food will give me the love my spirit so deeply desires.