I found this in a file of documents on my computer from August… When I finished Leadville in 2019, I thought many things… but it turns out I didn’t feel anything. I have been numb to the world for the past year. I have been emotionless… hiding myself away out of survival. There is no greater pain than living in pain… not pain in the body, but pain in the mind. Dead and numb to the world, it is no wonder I sabotaged my Leadville experience this year. No matter how good I did, I was never going to be celebrated by the one person I wanted more than anything else in the world. I have buried my feelings for so long, I didn’t realize how much I had suffered.
I ran as hard as I could.
I ran as fast as I could.
I pushed every limit I could find.
One crew member.
A couple friends with encouragement and support.
Eight voices inside my head that kept telling me; “you CAN’T do this.”
The road is long.
The mountain is steep.
There is one thing this race can’t keep.
Once a year I take a test. The test is not on paper. The test is not against anyone else. There is no external competition… It’s a test of mental will and physical movement across 100 miles in the highest mountains of Colorado. For many years I have migrated to Leadville, CO where I spend countless hours training mentally and physically to improve myself on every level. It’s been over three years since I stepped foot in this town…
At a time I thought I was unstoppable, Leadville broke me.
At a time I wanted to run away, Leadville gave me the space to disappear.
At a time I was lost, Leadville found me.
At a time I needed Hope, Leadville is where I found her.
I woke up this morning and realized my Hope, my Smile, my Sunshine… it was all gone… my soul is empty and my tears have dried… it might have been easier if I just would have died.